Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Conversion: Homo-Virgins Go Gay.

Lovely lesbian ladies. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colours, with different clothes and fun accessories. There are femme-y ones in polka dots and not-so-femme-y ones in plaid and ones somewhere in between that like to wear yoga gear and mess with my gaydar. It's like a bag of Jelly Bellies. There's something fabulous in there for every homo.

Or so you'd think. You'd think that every single lesbian SHOULD be able to find their own special lesbian flower to U-Haul with after an inappropriately short period of time.

But some lesbians are picky.

These ones make a habit of ignoring all those other available out-and-proud rainbow-and-birkenstock-sporting gay ladies.

Like my wench. She is a special kind of lesbian. 

Lisa belongs to a sub group of lesbos I'm going to call The Converters. I've met a few of them lately.

These are lesbians that almost exclusively sleep with/date straight (or kinda straight) girls.

They hone in on their target. They wait patiently. They befriend them. They will take their target on innocent "friend" dates to places that involve as little clothing as possible. They wait for a moment of weakness, a crack in the hetero veneer...

Then they pounce.

I've seen it first-hand. THIS is the face (and usually the attire) a Converter will use.

"heyyy guuurrrrl...i seen you lookin at me. Damn you fine, wasssssuppp???"
It goes pretty much like that, anyways.

It's about the chase. It's about the win. It's about the thrill of the conquest, about charting un-mapped territory.

This is a THING. 

During a recent date night couch 'n' cat snuggle session, the woman and I were talking about the types of people we find attractive. Because we're lesbians, we like to talk about our feelings. This kind of navel-gazing often results in a weekly check-in/reassessment of where I feel I'm falling on the gay-straight spectrum that week...

I was spouting the old "I'm still attracted to the person as an individual, not really the extraneous stuff (genitalia)..." (partial truth). And then Lisa dropped the bomb...

"I'm not really attracted to lesbians".

My first thought was that my girlfriend was going back into the closet/showing signs of early onset dementia, but she went on to explain.

She told me (with her serious face on), that she doesn't really date lesbians most of the time. Most of her conquests were straight girls. WERE. STRAIGHT. Now they don't date boys. Most of them, anyways.

Lisa likes 'em untainted.

Fresh (or close enough) off the straight train. 

Like me.

Now don't get me wrong. I was curious about girls.  I've 'like' liked girls. I'd had monumental girl crushes from an early age. When I was nine years old, I would compulsively rewind the parts of Free Willy where Lori Petty was in a wetsuit or the parts where she got really angry.

The way she wore that wetsuit and her passion for marine life did funny things to my insides.  

so pensive. so much nipple.


I'd even dated a few ladies. But my long relationships were with boys (I would say men, but that would be a stretch). Which I guess worked out in the long run, because apparently Lisa wouldn't have thrown a paper airplane at me if she'd thought I was a gay.

And then, Lisa went on to say that she'd only ever been turned down a couple of times. EVER. If I know Lisa, that is a couple of times out of lots of times. Probably a very small percentage.

Now this could mean one of two things:

1) The Converters prey on shy, sad, insecure people who just want to be loved and will cling to anyone who shows them affection, regardless of sex...


2) The straight chicks are less straight than they (and most of us) think.

Since I am neither insecure, sad, nor shy, and I fell for a Converter, we can rule out 1).

So it must be 2).


Does this mean that all the hetero chicks are just waiting around for a lesbian to proposition them?

Maybe the L Word (and Westoboro Baptist Church) are right.

Lesbianism is contagious. All the straight chicks are just waiting for a Shane. 

Lock up yer daughters, lock up yer wife.

Like me, they will likely be the future unsuspecting victims of a predatory lesbian Converter.