Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Lesbian Lessons: What I've learned from The L Word

Last week I got sick. The pathetic kind of sick, with geysers of phlegm and snot. I spent days lying on the couch, shivering, wheezing and snivelling tragically as I planned the musical selections and gluten free finger food menu for the tasteful wake that would follow my imminent tragic demise.

During breaks from cat-training tutorials like this one on how to toilet train your cat, 


and watching videos of amazingly talented (and not so amazingly talented) individuals on youtube, 

I did some research.

About the lesbians.

I had a three day long L Word marathon. All six loooong seasons. (if you live under a rock, or on Saltspring without a television or internet connection, it's a TV show, about gay women and their drama-filled exploits)

At first it was fun. It was racy and light and had lots of loud lesbian action that had me blushing and scrambling for the mute button every time my roommate walked past the living room. And, like every other not-completely-straight female in the universe, I developed an immediate crush on Katherine Moennig.

Yep...mmhmmm. imagepoachedfromsweetandtalented.comyouronlinesourceforcelebrityphotoswhichmaybesubjecttocopyright.
But then I realized that something wasn't quite right. Somewhere between seasons two and four, I realized that I am not a very good lesbian. I haven't been following the rules for lesbians as set forth in The L Word.

Some memos I've missed until now:

(thank goodness The L Word set me straight...erm, well, not strAIght exactly)

A: All lesbians are hot. And all chicks who are hot are lesbians, whether they know/admit it or not. According to L-universe, un-hot lesbians are not a thing.

B: I should be femme and wear more mascara or butch and toss my mascara out for good. None of this namby-pamby waffling. I have to pick.

C: Lesbians have all slept with all the other lesbians. Therefore, I must systematically sleep with all my friends. Apparently, there is no such thing as a monogamous lesbian relationship.

D: I should party more. Lesbians party a lot. There were hardly any scenes where lesbians cuddled on the couch in sweatpants eating almond-butter cups and drinking tea with the cats. That must mean I'm doing this whole gay thing wrong.

E: My hair sucks. I need cooler friends. Friends who are talented with scissors. And since we'll have slept together they'll do my hair for free.

F: I should immediately go and find an African sperm donor. Chocolate babies are the shade of choice for lesbian couples.

G: Now that I'm a lesbian, I'll become wildly successful. All lesbians in the L Word are rich, or at least can quickly become rich by sleeping with another rich lesbian.

I'm all about self-improvement, and now I have a whole list of things to work on. I know that I missed the L word boat by a few years, but I feel my education is now complete. I blame my parents for not having wireless or cable, and university for distracting me from the television (except for that fuzzy period in first year where I was seduced by the boob tube in the corner of the common room...but I digress)

There are so many things I might never have known if I hadn't gotten sick, and hadn't watched The L Word until my eyes stung and watered from screen-staring.

Now I can be a proper gay.

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