Wednesday, November 28, 2012

How to give a Brain-Injured Cat an Enema

Last week Marvin just about kicked the bucket. It was exciting, for all the wrong reasons. 

Sunday: I knew Marvin was probably dead or dying when I woke up naturally to sunlight instead of feline carcass breath.

Marvin is barf-a-rific at the best of times. I think this has to do with his brain damage, and oversized teeth (and his consequent inability to chew properly).

But this time he was all pukey and listless because he hadn't been able to do his kitty business in the litter box in a while. A loooong while. And constipation is Marvin's #1 nemesis. Combine that with his tendency to swallow strange things and you have a vet's wet dream.

Now, Lisa has recently spent a ridiculous amount of money on this cat. Her cross Canada drive with cat co-pilots cost her a bazillion dollars
(she probably could have gotten a gold-plated Marvin likeness for the same amount she spent on vets).

So she was understandably unenthusiastic at the idea of paying another vet more hundreds of dollars to shove warm water and lube up Marv's butt.

Sunday night: Marvin hadn't moved or had anything to eat or drink all day. I was pretty sure he was a goner. Lisa finally phoned the vet, and she suggested we could try giving him an enema ourselves, if he would let us. Since he was barely breathing, it seemed a fair bet that he would let us.

I can haz enema now?

Some things we learned:

-Cat enema = two person activity

-Cat butts have two parts, the external sphincter and the internal sphincter. It's like a porch. If you only get past one door with the nozzle, you're just squirting in water to have it squirt out again.

-The feline patient's official human mother must attend to the nether regions during this two person process; stepmothers do not have to touch step-cat-child anus, regardless of how many suppositories they have administered professionally to humans. 

(Failure to respect this rule may result in a discussion where outside voices are used)

-One home enema is not necessarily enough. Nor is two. Or three.
As it turns out, Marvin likes enemas. Or at least he tolerates them while purring. Therefore, I suspect Marvin may be a feline of the homosexual persuasion.

In the end we had to take Marvin to the vet. In a Rubbermaid container, because he doesn't have a cat carrier (Lisa believes in attachment kitty-rearing). The lucky Marvinator got another (perhaps more thorough) enema. And had his anal glands squeezed.

And Lisa spent all of her birthday money a month before her birthday at the vet on Marvin's bum...

1 comment:

  1. okay. seriously. i have re-read this post so many times and it makes me howl laughing every time. funny shit. ha ha. :))
    i think you should find your niche in cat-comedic writing. especially in the queer world. lesbos love cats. it is golden.