So this is a post for my two dedicated followers.
Follower #1: Hi, Lisa. It's your turn to do the dishes tonight.
Follower #2: I appreciate your concern for my soul. I really do. But you needn't be concerned for two reasons.
A) My mother is a Unitarian lay chaplain, so I've got the spirituality thing all sorted out. If I get confused, she's in my fave 8 and I'll give her a ring (and it won't even cost me anything). Plus, she can marry gay people, so she has superpowers.
B) I live within sight of two churches, and within a block of three, and since I rarely leave the house, I'm being steeped in Godliness 24/7. When I do happen to leave the house, I have to walk within feet of them. That's almost the same as going inside, right?
I like to keep an open mind about different viewpoints, so I thought I'd check out some of this God stuff anyways. Like any diligent researcher, I went on youtube and watched some videos. Conversion therapy, eh?
This one was my favourite. It's a short CNN clip, you can watch it in less time than it takes to brush your teeth.
Hmmm... why didn't I think of that?
Now, Richard Cohen is mostly concerned with straightening out man-homosexual types, but I figured we could experiment with extending his conversion theories to women.
To further prove my open-mindedness, I decided that Lisa and I should give this whole touch therapy thing a whirl.We were both conscientious participants, and the whole process was pretty pain-free.
And after an hour of intense physical contact, I feel almost 0.00002% straighter than I did half an hour ago. So maybe if we do that intimate cuddling thing 100000 more times, I'll be a whole 2% less attracted to women...
That's how all the gays should be turned straight! Extended snuggle sessions with same-sex buddies! And in the name of open-mindedness, Lisa and I are going to practice "touch therapy" daily for the foreseeable future.
Thank you, Mr. Steve, Follower #2, for your interest in my immortal soul.